cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
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Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Blew out my flip flop…
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.