You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
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Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
sry
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine