When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
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[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
For anyone who needs this today
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.