You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
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And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words