Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
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Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here