I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
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Meme Monday.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?