me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
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Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Hot hot hot 🥵
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
Just me?
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
I am, perchance
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.