A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
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I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
house sitting!
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter