I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
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IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again