true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
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*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
Can Happiness buy money?
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.