Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
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gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son