Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
You Might Also Like
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
Every time.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
do u think theres a butter planet?
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet