[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
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Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs