me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
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A bad analogy is like a cucumber
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
#dnd #ttrpg
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Am I having a stroke?
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Brother?
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.