Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
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Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Well, this certainly took a turn
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”