You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
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If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
at ease…shoulder.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
time for some seasonal decor
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
Was it something I said?
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.