I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
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Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Don’t tell me what to do
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner