Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
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Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.