Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
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Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.