*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
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9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
Best seat on the street 😍
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
🤣🤣🤣
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok