if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
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Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
no refunds
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.