Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
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Happy Halloween 🎃
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English