It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
You Might Also Like
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
It has been 3 years since Monday.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.