Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
You Might Also Like
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.