I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
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My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Squirrels before girls.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Hell yeah 👍
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.