Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
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“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!