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A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.