my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
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“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired