FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
You Might Also Like
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.