My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
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A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
he looks great for his age
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.