Made a playlist for your weekend hike
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Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.