If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
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is this a threat
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.