Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
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Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Why is no one talking about this?!
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.