I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
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Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Still a very good boi….
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”