New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
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I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
Raisins are grape jerky.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them