Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
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Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
he was correct
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?