[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
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STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!