“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
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[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
and now we wait
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
These 3D printers are insane!
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.