If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
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KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?