I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
You Might Also Like
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.