I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
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[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
Not today
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.