Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
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If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
rich people when they have to pay taxes
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother