I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
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I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.