Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
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You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.