HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
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A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.