The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
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Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
me before I type out affect or effect
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.