I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
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Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
🤣😂
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*