[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
You Might Also Like
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.