My purse is deeper than some people.
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AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
that wasn’t the question
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
when u come home smelling like another dog
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]