Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
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“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
She was REALLY feeling it.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great